Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Beer in the Grand Scheme

Starting a new blog is a bit complicated. The question lies with where to begin, and I guess I might as well answer the age-old questions that all are wondering about:

Why beer? Well, I'm just so glad you asked! 

My love of beer started probably around the ripe, underaged year of 17... granted, it was a love of your garden-variety adjunct lagers, but let's just ignore that for now (seriously, this isn't important in the grand scheme). Let's just look at why I turned to beer instead of all of man's other fine inhibition-destroyers in the first place.

IDEA: let's think about the Ninja Turtles. As a site I'm quite fond of, Cracked, once proved: everyone has a favorite Ninja Turtle... assuming you're familiar with those four, suave (?), green devils. They all have some major aspect in their identity you can identify with. You can like Leo and his alpha-male leadership, Mikey and his goofiness, Raph and his edgy, bad-boy status, or Donny and his techy, eclectic-spouting self depending on just how ridiculous a person you are. Me? I like Donatello... y'know, because I'm a dork. An eclectic dork!

Mhm... sorry. Closer to the point: alcohol has this in common with those turtles. Everyone has a favorite alcohol. There's your high-balling Scotch crowd, your dasvidanya vodka lovers, your straight-up bourbon drinkers... and those utterly disturbing mountain dew consumers.

Source. Question: is there a Pitch Black Moonshine?

Anywho, I naturally gravitated to beer for one reason: beer drinkers are sort of the metalheads of the alcohol community. We're those guys who won't shut up about how awesome our genre is and just... ugh, we're so fucking awesome!! I mean... uh, we love the variety that's there even if others seem to miss the fact that it exists. If you look at the surface, damn it, you'll only see Budweiser just like you'll only see Mudvayne... not that there's anything wrong with that. To each their own, right? Just so long as your own is metal as fuck!

I guess it all comes down to these factors: availability, affordability, personality, and variety. I just fit in with the beer scene. Good beers aren't hard to find, and high-quality beer is definitely cheaper and more accessible than any other alcohol. From bitter to sweet, fruity to bready, hoppy to malty, beer has an insane range of flavors and character. As for personality... well, this one is a bit harder, and I'll probably expand on it later. For now, I'll put it this way: beer is the drink of the working class. Blue collar, white collar, who gives a shit? You'll find something to like here. Whereas wine culture can give off an air of pretentiousness (whether intended or not), beer is the only other 'soft' liquor (SEE: not 40% ABV standard) that has following in my area that is worth noting (apologies to Koreatown and those crazy Soju-loving bastards... I love them all!).

And you know what? Surprise surprise, that following, just like beer itself, has exactly what I'm looking for:


So here's a glass to you, beer community! You've worked hard, but you've finally earned my adoration and approval... which, I know is exactly what you've all been waiting for this entire time. Hope that you don't stop brewing just because I actually like you now!


  1. Kudos, oh intellectual guzzler of the most discerning pallet! Do tell... Is it your quest here to filter out the also-brewed posers who clutter the store shelves with their foul aftertaste, while bringing to light the most arowsing concoctions of cold, unabridged bliss... Or is it your intention to break down the best of brews in order to discover what it is that makes them so special? Both, I suspect and more! Am I wrong?! Perhaps your final objective should be to take it from that most appreciable extent and give wonder to the addition of some hybrid strain of skunk weed, for that, myfriend, is the next step in delivering a brew with a surefire knockout punch; not only at the head level, but at the cach register, as well. Hmmm... "Surefire by Stonehead Brewries". I like that! At any rate, mark my words here and now, as it has no doubt already been thought about, tried and tested.